Dear Bean,
It's official. Your mom has entered a new decade of her life today. So many friends of mine have been worried about turning 30 but I cannot help but feel that 30 is going to be my best year yet. This is the year that I am going to become a mom.
Every day, the reality that I am actually pregnant is sinking it. I want to believe you are there but so often, worry clouds my happiness. Today however was different. You gave me the best birthday gift in the world. I heard your little heart beating for the very first time. It was everything I had imagined and more.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
It is actually real!
I feel like a bad blogger for not posting news on Monday after the ultrasound but both of my parents were away on vacation. As my mom reads the blog, I wanted to wait for her return so I could tell her over the phone.
We were overjoyed on Monday so see our baby's heartbeat (yes that is singular baby not plural!).
In my earlier post I wrote that I'd be able to hear the heartbeat which was inaccurate. Most doppler radars cannot detect the heartbeat until another few weeks. When the sonographer placed the wand on my tummy, I think we were both expecting to see 2 babies growing. The twin factor had been built up from a combination of friends fascination with twins and my higher HCG levels from my first Beta.
As it turns out, we were partly right. There was in fact only one little bean growing with a visible and strong heartbeat (thank you , thank you, thank you). A second smaller gestational sac was clearly visible which meant at one point we did have a twin but the pregnancy was just not viable. I know it may seem silly ,but we felt a sense of loss. Had there been no second sac, we would have simply thought that only 1 embryo implanted. The reality is that the second embyro did implant but stopped growing..an early form of miscarriage. In terms of pregnancy, a singleton is lower risk and of course there were concerns about multiple delivery (born early) and getting used to life as a first time mom with not 1 but 2 babies.
I do not want to come across as ungrateful because seeing that little heartbeat was the most beautiful thing in the world. It's just to say that people's reactions tend to be that we should not feel sad over the loss of the second bean because we have the one. We are happy. We are extremely happy. But that day, we allowed ourselves to feel a bit sad about our little bean that tried to make it and just couldn't.
We were overjoyed on Monday so see our baby's heartbeat (yes that is singular baby not plural!).
In my earlier post I wrote that I'd be able to hear the heartbeat which was inaccurate. Most doppler radars cannot detect the heartbeat until another few weeks. When the sonographer placed the wand on my tummy, I think we were both expecting to see 2 babies growing. The twin factor had been built up from a combination of friends fascination with twins and my higher HCG levels from my first Beta.
As it turns out, we were partly right. There was in fact only one little bean growing with a visible and strong heartbeat (thank you , thank you, thank you). A second smaller gestational sac was clearly visible which meant at one point we did have a twin but the pregnancy was just not viable. I know it may seem silly ,but we felt a sense of loss. Had there been no second sac, we would have simply thought that only 1 embryo implanted. The reality is that the second embyro did implant but stopped growing..an early form of miscarriage. In terms of pregnancy, a singleton is lower risk and of course there were concerns about multiple delivery (born early) and getting used to life as a first time mom with not 1 but 2 babies.
I do not want to come across as ungrateful because seeing that little heartbeat was the most beautiful thing in the world. It's just to say that people's reactions tend to be that we should not feel sad over the loss of the second bean because we have the one. We are happy. We are extremely happy. But that day, we allowed ourselves to feel a bit sad about our little bean that tried to make it and just couldn't.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Is it Monday yet?
Never in my life have I been excited for a weekend to pass by quickly so Monday can arrive. This Monday, unlike every other mundane Monday is going to be different. This Monday, I will hopefully get to hear my baby's heartbeat for the very first time.
I keep worrying that something is going to go wrong. I have had cramps on and off but one night this week they were bad enough that it woke me up. I was lying in bed literally thinking ''This is it. It's all over.''
I contacted the nurse and she reassured me that cramping is completely normal as long as they are not very painful which could be indicative of an ectopic pregnancy. Also I have not had any spotting/bleeding which is a good sign.
3 more days...grow beans grow!
I keep worrying that something is going to go wrong. I have had cramps on and off but one night this week they were bad enough that it woke me up. I was lying in bed literally thinking ''This is it. It's all over.''
I contacted the nurse and she reassured me that cramping is completely normal as long as they are not very painful which could be indicative of an ectopic pregnancy. Also I have not had any spotting/bleeding which is a good sign.
3 more days...grow beans grow!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Goodbye Spicy food?
Well if there has been one noticable change or symptom in this early stage of pregnancy I would have to say heartburn reigns supreme. I am a huge fan of spicy food and I particularly enjoy our take-out Indian we get every second week.
Last thursday we ventured off the beaten path and ordered a new type of curry. Every item in the menu sounds the same. Chicken/beef/lamb in a rich thick sauce. So instead of ordering chicken dansak in a rich thick sauce we ordered some rendition of chicken curry...in a rich thick sauce. Yowsa! I have eaten this dish before and absolutely loved it even digging in for seconds while my friends filled up their water glasses for a 4th time. This experience was different though. I felt like I had flames burning up my espohagus before you could say Chicken Vindaloo.
The heartburn also makes a wicked appearance whenever I eat dishes with lots of garlic (another favourite). I have since learned that the cause for this fiery fun are the hormones progesterone and relaxin that occur at elevated levels in the body. They cause a pegnant woman's gastrointestinal linings smooth muscle to relax. When this happens your digestive system works more slowly and food is digested at a slower rate. This results in heartburn. Luckily, I have also since learned that a calcium antacid is perfectly safe to take in moderation while pregnant. Thank goodness because this girl is not ready to trade in her spicy meatball-a just yet.
Last thursday we ventured off the beaten path and ordered a new type of curry. Every item in the menu sounds the same. Chicken/beef/lamb in a rich thick sauce. So instead of ordering chicken dansak in a rich thick sauce we ordered some rendition of chicken curry...in a rich thick sauce. Yowsa! I have eaten this dish before and absolutely loved it even digging in for seconds while my friends filled up their water glasses for a 4th time. This experience was different though. I felt like I had flames burning up my espohagus before you could say Chicken Vindaloo.
The heartburn also makes a wicked appearance whenever I eat dishes with lots of garlic (another favourite). I have since learned that the cause for this fiery fun are the hormones progesterone and relaxin that occur at elevated levels in the body. They cause a pegnant woman's gastrointestinal linings smooth muscle to relax. When this happens your digestive system works more slowly and food is digested at a slower rate. This results in heartburn. Luckily, I have also since learned that a calcium antacid is perfectly safe to take in moderation while pregnant. Thank goodness because this girl is not ready to trade in her spicy meatball-a just yet.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Misleading and insulting
I truly hate to return to the blog with negativity but after reading a column written by Margaret Wente in the Globe and Mail today, I feel that I don't have a choice. Her comments were not only misleading but also insulting to the many couples who struggle with infertility. I have written an email in response to her article and I encourage you to do the same. She can be reached at mwente@globeandmail.com
The right to bear children and, of course, we'll pay
Is having a family a human right?
Margaret Wente
Consider the predicament of the modern educated woman. She goes to school until she's in her 20s. She spends the next 10 years establishing a career. She settles on a guy, and they save up to buy a house. They are responsible and prudent. At last, it's time to have a family!
Unfortunately, she's now 38, or maybe 40. To her shock, she discovers her eggs are past their sell-by date. Time to go the high-tech route. Now she discovers that, at $10,000 for a single round of in-vitro treatment, plus assorted drugs and extras, high-tech babies don't come cheap.
Who pays for her effort to get pregnant? If the infertility lobby has its way, we do. It's putting heavy pressure on Ontario's government to fund in-vitro fertilization for women up to 42. It has a battery of arguments for why this is in the public interest: Having children is a basic human right. Infertility is a disease, and treating it is so expensive that people shouldn't have to pay for it themselves (even though many do). Finally, public funding of fertility treatments will save the system money.
“ This task force, which included people from every conceivable interest group, lacked only someone to speak for the silent, suffering, taxpaying public.”
The infertility industry is doing its best to expand our concept of both human rights and medical necessity. “Everybody should have the right to a family,” says Marjorie Dixon, a fertility specialist at the First Steps fertility clinic in Toronto. She says women feel “cheated” because, even though they pay taxes, the government won't help them. The Infertility Awareness Association of Canada defines infertility as “a reproductive health disease.” Infertility is to blame for our falling birth rates and shrinking population (who knew?), as well as for “terrible emotional anguish.”
The causes of infertility are complex, of course, and people's choices to postpone reproduction until middle age are just one part of the story. But among the chief customers for fertility treatment are educated women who've been deluded into thinking that technology can help them whenever they want a child.
Bowing to the pressure, Quebec has now agreed to fund as much as three rounds of in-vitro treatment for infertile women. (Quebec is obsessed with its low birth rate.) Britain and Australia fund in-vitro, too, and, last summer, a high-profile task force urged Ontario to follow suit. This task force, which included people from every conceivable interest group, lacked only someone to speak for the silent, suffering, taxpaying public.
Is having a family a human right? Well, sure, of course. But I don't think that having a family under any circumstances, or expecting the public to pay for your in-vitro treatments, is a human right. Life's unfair, and health care is a bottomless pit, and some of these procedures have wretched outcomes. After 40, a women's chance of taking home a baby after IVF sinks to one in 10 or less (to say nothing of the risks). What other elective treatment would we cover that had a failure rate that high?
With health-care budgets under acute stress, the infertility lobby is strongly pushing the cost-benefit argument. It argues that, because of the high costs of treatment, women opt for two, three or four embryo implants at a time to save money. The result is a high rate of multiple births, with expensive medical complications. Public funding would more than pay for itself by encouraging more conservative procedures and fewer multiple pregnancies.
But public funding is an open-ended commitment. And if multiple pregnancies are so undesirable, then why not regulate the industry more tightly on medical grounds alone?
If we really want to reduce the anguish of infertility, here are a couple of cheap ideas. Stop peddling phony hopes to desperate couples almost certainly doomed to fail (no matter whose money they're spending). And post the basic statistics about fertility and pregnancy in big red letters in every doctor's waiting room. I can't tell you how many women would have acted differently if they'd only known.
******************************************************************
My oh my, her inbox must be flooded with complaint letters today. Perhaps Margaret would anticipate this if she only knew that 1 in 6 Ontarian couples struggle with infertility.
Her argument that clinics peddle phony hope to infertile couples who are doomed to failure is discredited. If she had read the Expert Panel on Infertility and Adoption's report she would realise that "For women under age 42, there is a very good chance – as high as 71% for women under 35 years – that they will have at least one live birth after three cycles of IVF.
Alleviating multiple births by regulating the industry on medical grounds alone is a simplistic view of this undesirable outcome. The average couple will pay approximately $10,000 per IVF cycle. As there exists no Government funding with the exception of the rare blockage of both tubes, nearly all couples choose to transfer 2 embryos in order to increase their odds of success. This is a private service which is precisely why regulations do not exist. Who is Ms. Wente to tell ME how to spend MY money?
She misinforms the public by leading them to believe that the use of assisted reproductive technology (ART) is a lifestyle choice. In fact couples resort to ART due to a medical conditions such as endometriosis, sperm abnormalities, PCOS or cancer.
Lastly as my fellow IVFer pointed out- the human right to have a family may be a matter of opinion but Margaret Wente should note that us infertile couples continue to pay taxes for her kids to go to school.
The right to bear children and, of course, we'll pay
Is having a family a human right?
Margaret Wente
Consider the predicament of the modern educated woman. She goes to school until she's in her 20s. She spends the next 10 years establishing a career. She settles on a guy, and they save up to buy a house. They are responsible and prudent. At last, it's time to have a family!
Unfortunately, she's now 38, or maybe 40. To her shock, she discovers her eggs are past their sell-by date. Time to go the high-tech route. Now she discovers that, at $10,000 for a single round of in-vitro treatment, plus assorted drugs and extras, high-tech babies don't come cheap.
Who pays for her effort to get pregnant? If the infertility lobby has its way, we do. It's putting heavy pressure on Ontario's government to fund in-vitro fertilization for women up to 42. It has a battery of arguments for why this is in the public interest: Having children is a basic human right. Infertility is a disease, and treating it is so expensive that people shouldn't have to pay for it themselves (even though many do). Finally, public funding of fertility treatments will save the system money.
“ This task force, which included people from every conceivable interest group, lacked only someone to speak for the silent, suffering, taxpaying public.”
The infertility industry is doing its best to expand our concept of both human rights and medical necessity. “Everybody should have the right to a family,” says Marjorie Dixon, a fertility specialist at the First Steps fertility clinic in Toronto. She says women feel “cheated” because, even though they pay taxes, the government won't help them. The Infertility Awareness Association of Canada defines infertility as “a reproductive health disease.” Infertility is to blame for our falling birth rates and shrinking population (who knew?), as well as for “terrible emotional anguish.”
The causes of infertility are complex, of course, and people's choices to postpone reproduction until middle age are just one part of the story. But among the chief customers for fertility treatment are educated women who've been deluded into thinking that technology can help them whenever they want a child.
Bowing to the pressure, Quebec has now agreed to fund as much as three rounds of in-vitro treatment for infertile women. (Quebec is obsessed with its low birth rate.) Britain and Australia fund in-vitro, too, and, last summer, a high-profile task force urged Ontario to follow suit. This task force, which included people from every conceivable interest group, lacked only someone to speak for the silent, suffering, taxpaying public.
Is having a family a human right? Well, sure, of course. But I don't think that having a family under any circumstances, or expecting the public to pay for your in-vitro treatments, is a human right. Life's unfair, and health care is a bottomless pit, and some of these procedures have wretched outcomes. After 40, a women's chance of taking home a baby after IVF sinks to one in 10 or less (to say nothing of the risks). What other elective treatment would we cover that had a failure rate that high?
With health-care budgets under acute stress, the infertility lobby is strongly pushing the cost-benefit argument. It argues that, because of the high costs of treatment, women opt for two, three or four embryo implants at a time to save money. The result is a high rate of multiple births, with expensive medical complications. Public funding would more than pay for itself by encouraging more conservative procedures and fewer multiple pregnancies.
But public funding is an open-ended commitment. And if multiple pregnancies are so undesirable, then why not regulate the industry more tightly on medical grounds alone?
If we really want to reduce the anguish of infertility, here are a couple of cheap ideas. Stop peddling phony hopes to desperate couples almost certainly doomed to fail (no matter whose money they're spending). And post the basic statistics about fertility and pregnancy in big red letters in every doctor's waiting room. I can't tell you how many women would have acted differently if they'd only known.
******************************************************************
My oh my, her inbox must be flooded with complaint letters today. Perhaps Margaret would anticipate this if she only knew that 1 in 6 Ontarian couples struggle with infertility.
Her argument that clinics peddle phony hope to infertile couples who are doomed to failure is discredited. If she had read the Expert Panel on Infertility and Adoption's report she would realise that "For women under age 42, there is a very good chance – as high as 71% for women under 35 years – that they will have at least one live birth after three cycles of IVF.
Alleviating multiple births by regulating the industry on medical grounds alone is a simplistic view of this undesirable outcome. The average couple will pay approximately $10,000 per IVF cycle. As there exists no Government funding with the exception of the rare blockage of both tubes, nearly all couples choose to transfer 2 embryos in order to increase their odds of success. This is a private service which is precisely why regulations do not exist. Who is Ms. Wente to tell ME how to spend MY money?
She misinforms the public by leading them to believe that the use of assisted reproductive technology (ART) is a lifestyle choice. In fact couples resort to ART due to a medical conditions such as endometriosis, sperm abnormalities, PCOS or cancer.
Lastly as my fellow IVFer pointed out- the human right to have a family may be a matter of opinion but Margaret Wente should note that us infertile couples continue to pay taxes for her kids to go to school.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Bliss
After a very anguishing morning, the phone finally rang at 2pm in the middle of my french class. The nurse calmly asked me if I had a quiet place to talk. My heart sunk. This was it.
''I have great news. Congratulations!''
RELIEF
Despite having taken a positive home pregnancy test on Sunday, I could not truly believe it until I had official confirmation from the doctor.
The testing all went down at my in-laws house this past Sunday morning. I had to pee from 5am onwards but managed to hold it in until I could see the faintest light peeking through the windows. I crept downstairs to check the time. 6:30 a.m. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I went to the bathroom and fumbled with the packaging. I was sure my husband would wake up. The test said the results would come back within 3 minutes. When I saw the test was positive I began to cry. How was I supposed to hold this information in? I flicked on the lights, shook my husband, tears streaming down my face and got to say the words we have both wanted to hear for so long. I'm pregnant!
The official confirmation was a huge relief. My beta came back at 1493! The nurse even chuckled and told me that I was VERY pregnant. Perhaps it's possible that both of my little beans have decided to snuggle in until October? Only time will tell but in the meantime, I am going to thoroughly enjoy this bliss.
''I have great news. Congratulations!''
RELIEF
Despite having taken a positive home pregnancy test on Sunday, I could not truly believe it until I had official confirmation from the doctor.
The testing all went down at my in-laws house this past Sunday morning. I had to pee from 5am onwards but managed to hold it in until I could see the faintest light peeking through the windows. I crept downstairs to check the time. 6:30 a.m. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I went to the bathroom and fumbled with the packaging. I was sure my husband would wake up. The test said the results would come back within 3 minutes. When I saw the test was positive I began to cry. How was I supposed to hold this information in? I flicked on the lights, shook my husband, tears streaming down my face and got to say the words we have both wanted to hear for so long. I'm pregnant!
The official confirmation was a huge relief. My beta came back at 1493! The nurse even chuckled and told me that I was VERY pregnant. Perhaps it's possible that both of my little beans have decided to snuggle in until October? Only time will tell but in the meantime, I am going to thoroughly enjoy this bliss.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Waiting for Beta
1. Wake up, remember it is THE DAY. Freak out. Shower, make breakfast, pack lunch, walk dog. FREAK OUT some more.
2. Go to work, check email, check IVF forum, turn on television to have Olympics in background, realise that it is only 6am inVancouver, look at clock to be sure.
3. Freak out thinking that cell phone is not on ring. Check ring options, confirm ringer. Don't believe it so use landline to call cell phone to confirm. bring cell phone to bathroom, to make tea, to make photocopies.
4. 1 hour later check ivf forums again, facebook, call cell phone again to make sure. Breathe in, Breathe out.
Is it really only 11am?
2. Go to work, check email, check IVF forum, turn on television to have Olympics in background, realise that it is only 6am inVancouver, look at clock to be sure.
3. Freak out thinking that cell phone is not on ring. Check ring options, confirm ringer. Don't believe it so use landline to call cell phone to confirm. bring cell phone to bathroom, to make tea, to make photocopies.
4. 1 hour later check ivf forums again, facebook, call cell phone again to make sure. Breathe in, Breathe out.
Is it really only 11am?
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