Saturday, October 30, 2010

To my beautiful daughter Charlotte

I can hardly believe that it has been 2 and half weeks since you were born. I have been meaning to post. Honestly I have. Perhaps it has taken this long because you have kept me quite busy these 17 days but mostly I think it's because I didn't even know how to begin this letter to you. I'm still not quite sure that I do.

What I do know is that I fell in love with you the second I saw you. It's true that many books I read repeatedly told me that it was ok to not fall immediately in love with your newborn. It may take days to develop a bond they said, perhaps even weeks. This was simply not the case for us. When the doctors placed you on my chest, I started to cry. Even with your red puffy vernix coated face, you were the most beautiful person I have ever seen.

In the past 2 weeks, you have been such a wonderful baby. You hardly cry except when you are cold or very upset. You are a good eater and even at 2 days old you showed me your little independant streak by wanting to latch on all by yourself without mommy's help. I have to hold your little hands back at most feedings and remind you that you are only 2 weeks old.

You love to be swaddled in your blanket but soon enough you will squirm until your left arms is free and then you fall asleep with one arm raised above your head.

You make the funniest noises that keep daddy and I entertained for hours. Grunts and groans and snorts and sighs. Never one to complain on maximum volume, you let us know that you need something without the screams.

You love music and especially when we sing to you. You must be a sweetheart as you even enjoy mommy's off key lullabies.

These are the small things I know about you Charlotte. The day to day little person that you are.

The day after you were born, I was in the bathroom at the hospital and your daddy was holding you in my room. I came out to see him looking at you with tears streaming down his face. I asked what was wrong and he quietly whimpered, "She's perfect. I can't believe that she is ours."

Some days I can hardly believe it either. I cannot believe how lucky I am to be your mom. All of the months spent crying and hoping and wishing are a distant memory now that you are here.

In the past 2 weeks we have had floods of visitors-your family and mommy and daddy's friends who are all eager to meet you. Everyone who holds you tells us how beautiful you are. You have so many people who love you.

The nicest comment I have received to date is from your Nanny. She told me that every day since you were born she wakes up with a smile on her face because she immediately thinks of you. Her whole life is so much better because you are in the world now.

My beautiful Charlotte, I feel the exact same way.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Monday, October 11, 2010

False Alarm

I was woken up to a gush of fluid at 3:30am this morning thinking 1 of 2 things.

1. My water just broke
2. I just peed myself.

Hoping it was not the latter I got out of bed to examine my pajamas in the bathroom. It was clear and odorless but not a ton of liquid. After a few minutes of chatting with my husband, we decided to wait a few hours (easier said than done) and tried to get some rest. If labour was going to start within 12 hours, I figured I would take all the sleep I could get. I called the hospital at 8am and they told me to come in because they need to confirm whether I was in fact leaking amniotic fluid.

I arrived at around 9am and was hooked up to a fetal monitor. At this point, I was not having any contractions  so I knew it couldn't be the real deal but still needed to investigate the water breaking possibility.

After a few hours, the nurse informed me that she could not tell if I was leaking fluid and the doctor would have to perform a sterile speculum exam. She explained that it's like getting a pap test except due to the risk of infection, the speculum could not have any gel/lubricant and that it would hurt like hell.

She wasn't lying. It literally felt like the doctor was trying to rip out my cervix using metal claws. Of course being Thanksgiving Day, they were short staffed and I had to wait 2.5 hours  before they did this metal test from hell. I also had a resident doctor who was not a professional at this exam. As soon as he clamped down he explained that he had to take the speculum out and reposition. Are you f@&*&ing kidding me?!

All this to say- I was not leaking amniotic fluid. I am pretty certain that I didn't pee myself either so maybe it was just very watery cervical fluid. Ok I know that's not nice to think about but some things in pregnancy are just plain hemroids.. but more on that subject another day ;)

Meanwhile I was hooked up to the fetal monitor and could hear bean's little heatbeat thumping away for 3 hours. That was definitely awesome. Every so often it would get really loud like someone was hitting the top of a microphone. The nurse explained that was the baby bumping around in my belly.

I also was having Braxton Hicks every 2-5 minutes. Not a true contraction but interesting to see how often they are actually happening. The nurse even came in at one point to ask if I was feeling all these cramps. She was monitoring my "contractions" on her computer.

3.5 hours later we were sent home, dashing any hopes that we would meet princess bean on Thanksgiving Day.

So maybe our monday morning was a preview to the main event. We were not nervous in any way. In fact, I was amazed at how calm we both felt. I know now that we are truly ready (kitchen or no kitchen).

It's crazy to think back to the crap we were going through only a year ago. We hadn't even signed our IVF consent papers yet. What a difference a year makes.

So today, I am thankful for science. The science of IVF that gives a fighting chance to so many disheartened couples. Maybe it's not romantic but it sure is miraculous.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Reno Hell

So back in the spring, my husband and I decided we were going to renovate our kitchen. When looking for contractors, we clearly specified that the room MUST be done by the end of September. A couple of people said the timing was too tight or seemed flaky with their answers. This was one of the utmost important criteria in picking a company so we went with someone who guaranteed our work would be done on time. I repeat the word -GUARANTEED.

Well it is now 2 weeks from my due date and our kitchen is not done. Our contractor has been fabulous but the delay comes from our cabinet maker. First there was a 2 week delay and now another week.

I am officially Pregzilla.

On a bright note, things are clearly  progressing (no thanks to our cabinet maker). This is what our kitchen looked like 2.5 weeks ago during demolition

and this is what our kitchen looks like now

People like to assure me that  I won't be cooking during the first few days/weeks of the baby coming home. Ok I'll buy that but I am certain that most people can make a cup of coffee in their kitchen or perhaps even wash their hands in the sink. You see that black pipe in the lower right hand corner of the picture. Uh ya. That's where my sink is NOT.

The other thing that most people forget is that we used to have a kitchen. I have kitchen things. And where are all these kitchen things being stored you might ask? In every crevice of my house! The entire basement carpet has not seen the light of day because it is covered in boxes. The dining room table is in the living room, the new appliances are stacked in the dining room. Basically our house is one giant mess. This does not bode well with my newly acquired nesting instinct (it's not an old wives tale). I want to clean all day, every day.

So my days are spent doing things I can still do, like running errands and doing laundry. I am trying to stay sane by keeping the upstairs portion of our house clean.

At some point during the day I inevitably think about how lucky I am to be having a baby so soon. In fact, just the other day I was driving and Shawn Desman's "a night like this" came on the radio and I had tears in my eyes thinking about how miraculous my daughter's birth is going to be. Yup. Shawn freakin Desman (AKA one hit one wonder Rockin in the T-dot) made me cry. Clearly my hormones are completely screwed up.

The next hour I was swearing like a trooper as we received another vague, non-committal email from our cabinet maker.

So that sums me up these days. I do laundry, get sentimental about Princess Bean's impending birth and bitch about my cabinet maker.

I am 38 weeks today and the race is on. Will baby or new kitchen arrive first?

Stay tuned to find out.