Monday, March 29, 2010

The best things in life are not things

Dear Bean,

It's official. Your mom has entered a new decade of her life today. So many friends of mine have been worried about turning 30 but I cannot help but feel that 30 is going to be my best year yet. This is the year that I am going to become a mom.

Every day, the reality that I am actually pregnant is sinking it. I want to believe you are there but so often, worry clouds my happiness. Today however was different. You gave me the best birthday gift in the world. I heard your little heart beating for the very first time. It was everything I had imagined and more.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

It is actually real!

I feel like a bad blogger for not posting news on Monday after the ultrasound but both of my parents were away on vacation. As my mom reads the blog, I wanted to wait for her return so I could tell her over the phone.

We were overjoyed on Monday so see our baby's heartbeat (yes that is singular baby not plural!).
In my earlier post I wrote that I'd be able to hear the heartbeat which was inaccurate. Most doppler radars cannot detect the heartbeat until another few weeks. When the sonographer placed the wand on my tummy, I think we were both expecting to see 2 babies growing. The twin factor had been built up from a combination of friends fascination with twins and my higher HCG levels from my first Beta.

As it turns out, we were partly right. There was in fact only one little bean growing with a visible and strong heartbeat (thank you , thank you, thank you). A second smaller gestational sac was clearly visible which meant at one point we did have a twin but the pregnancy was just not viable. I know it may seem silly ,but we felt a sense of loss. Had there been no second sac, we would have simply thought that only 1 embryo implanted. The reality is that the second embyro did implant but stopped early form of miscarriage. In terms of pregnancy, a singleton is lower risk and of course there were concerns about multiple delivery (born early) and getting used to life as a first time mom with not 1 but 2 babies.

I do not want to come across as ungrateful because seeing that little heartbeat was the most beautiful thing in the world. It's just to say that people's reactions tend to be that we should not feel sad over the loss of the second bean because we have the one. We are happy. We are extremely happy. But that day, we allowed ourselves to feel a bit sad about our little bean that tried to make it and just couldn't.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Is it Monday yet?

Never in my life have I been excited for a weekend to pass by quickly so Monday can arrive. This Monday,  unlike every other mundane Monday is going to be different. This Monday, I will hopefully get to hear my baby's heartbeat for the very first time.

I keep worrying that something is going to go wrong. I have had cramps on and off but one night this week they were bad enough that it woke me up. I was lying in bed literally thinking ''This is it. It's all over.''

I contacted the nurse and she reassured me that cramping is completely normal as long as they are not very painful which could be indicative of an ectopic pregnancy.  Also I have not had any spotting/bleeding which is a good sign.

3 more days...grow beans grow!