One

Dear Charlotte,

Today you are one.  One entire year old. How can 365 days have passed since I held you for the first time? In some ways I feel like this moment was just yesterday and in some ways I feel as though I have known you and loved you my entire life.

I haven't been writing here in some time mainly because I have been having so much fun with you this past summer.

Here we are one year later, no longer a baby by the tradtional definition, but a toddler.
A one year old who loves to clap her hands and who squeals in delight while exclaiming "Doggy" upon seeing our 4 legged friend Molly. A one year old who eats vegetables and knows the actions to songs and can cruise around a coffee table faster than I can snap my fingers. A one year old who loves to climb (everything!), who always shares her toys and loves to be read to. A one year old who makes my eyes swell with tears whenever I think about how much I love you.

We have both grown so much over the last year and come through good times (too many to count) and bad (remember those 5-7pm cry fests last december ;) 
Part of learning is making mistakes and I am sure that I made many in my first year of being your mommy. I have no regrets though because we figured things out along the way...together.

Some of my friends are having their first babies soon and perhaps so are some people who are reading this. Many people give advice to first time moms and I too received my fair share. As it turns out, the best advice i got was from a random stranger at the grocery store. You know the kind moms...they peer into your baby's car seat as she JUST feel asleep after cruising the produce aisle 30 times and then speaks in a loud voice to tell you how cute your baby is!

She told me to take many pictures..."you know real ones because it goes so fast and you will forget".

At first I didn't know what she meant by "real" pictures but I thought about how quick I am to use my cell phone and take a somewhat blurred picture because it is so convenient. From that moment on, I started to use our good camera more often. Taking it to the park, on playdates or when sitting around the house.

I couldn't imagine that I would forget all of our moments together but sadly it's true. The days turn into weeks and months and then all of a sudden a year.

So my beautiful Charlotte  I have perhaps a couple thousand photos of our first year together. I wish we could stop time some days and just keep you little for a while longer but you have so much more growing and learning to do. Who am I to stop you? And definitions aside..you will always be my baby. Happy 1st Birthday my love.

Musical Memories

Don't you love how a song can instantly transport you to a time and place in your past?

My Ipod shuffled to City and Colour the other day and it brought me back to October. For whatever reason, my husband and I would often play this album as nice quiet music when guests came over.

Watching the leaves fall from the trees, sipping coffee and staring at our brand new baby girl.
City and Colour

The Joys and Challenges of Breastfeeding

The nurses at the hospital kept telling me that I was textbook at breastfeeding.She latches on perfectly they said. You have no troubles here.They were right. I was SO textbook...at first.

I soon found out that I was dealing with an oversupply of milk and a monster let down. To my friends who were supplementing with formula and could not seem to get their milk supply up, my problem seemed like a blessing.

It really is true that you can have too much a good thing though.  My breasts constantly leaked milk and a slight squeeze would send milk spraying in all directions.  Charlotte could not keep up. She began gagging, choking, pulling on and off the breast and spitting up all the time.

A few weeks later, I found myself alone for the first night while my husband was away. She was doing her regular screaming at the boob, pulling off and on to get the flow adjusted when suddenly her eyes glassed over and she vomited what seemed like a pint of milk across the room. I was trembling. Sure she was constantly spitting up but this was something I had never experienced. The projectile vomit. I tried to calmly wipe her face, change her clothes, clean the floor, clean myself and then in between sobs called my mother in law to ask if she was sick. She assured me that babies sometimes just vomit.

I remember crying so much that night. The baby books certainly didn't help. One glance at projectile vomiting and the words  Pyloric Stenosis appear-a disorder in which the muscle in the lower part of the stomach, called the pylorus, builds up and blocks the flow of food into the small intestine requiring surgery.

I would soon find out that Charlotte was a puker. Not a happy spit up baby but full on projectile vomiting every 2-3 days. I started block feeding which is when you feed only from one breast per feed in order to slow down my milk production. I also started feeding her lying down so she had to work against gravity.

She eventually slowed down (to be exact her last puke was 2 weeks ago. Just watch I am jinxing myself and she will vomit tomorrow!). There really is no climax to this story but just to say that it is so easy to become overwhelmed and worried as a first time mom. I never regret a single time I do become overly concerned though. It is a mother's job to worry!


Breastfeeding has been incredibly rewarding for me but very demanding too. Charlotte refuses to take a bottle of expressed milk. The books and nurses will have you worried silly about the dreaded nipple confusion. They warned me that if I gave my baby a bottle she will not know how to suck from my breast again ! The challenge with waiting too long is that you end up in my situation with a baby who flat out refuses anything but boob.

I often feel conflicted about this problem. People tell me constantly that I need to get her on a bottle otherwise I will resent her for never having any freedom. Part of me understand this. I would love to have a night out with my husband or even go out with the girls and have someone else give her a bottle of milk.

On the other hand, there are moments where I just accept that it is what it is. It is my own fault for not getting her to accustomed to a bottle early on. More importantly, she is only going to be this little for such a short period in my life.

 In 20 years from now will I look back and think to myself that these 6 months were hell? That I wish  I could have had time out with my friends?

Or will I look back with fondness on those quiet winter nights where my little munchkin was snuggled against me in bed?

They call it labour for a reason

Labour \ˈlā-bər\ :  expenditure of physical or mental effort especially when difficult or compulsory

My labour started on the night of Tuesday October 12th. Maybe it was Monday's  metal claw from hell procedure that sent me over the edge. I guess I'll never know. Personally I think babies come out when they are ready.

Since we still did not have a full kitchen in place, my husband and I decided to go out for dinner. We opted to go to St. Hubert and then to costco for some supplies. Had I known this would be my last night out alone with him for some time, I might have reconsidered the evening's choices of chicken, coleslaw and bulk sized toilet paper shopping.

I was having light cramps at dinner which is why we decided to go to Costco in the first place. We thought the walking might do me some good in the event that this was the early stages of labour. While at costco, I started to notice that my cramps were coming with some frequency (approximately every 15 minutes or so). I didn't mention this to my husband yet as it seemed too premature and they were still cramps at this point. When we returned home we watched one of our favourite shows that we had taped and the cramps were increasing in intensity and coming every 10 minutes.

As we headed upstairs to bed, my husband brought our laptop loaded with another television show but at this point the pain was too great to concentrate on anything..nevermind a crappy episode of Grey's Anatomy.  Holy shit. Here we go.

Remembering my  tips and tricks from pre-natal class, I hopped in the bathtub hoping to soothe some of the discomfort from the contractions. It was at this point that I noticed some light blood in the tub..aka known as the "bloody show" (seriously what a stupid name). I was most definitely in labour. I would call out to my husband every time a contraction started and ended so he could start recording. After only 30 minutes we noticed a definite pattern. 30 seconds each and 4 minutes apart. I was certain princess bean would be here by morning.

At 2 in the morning we made the trek to the hospital. Nervous. Excited. Overtired. It was at this point that I met the world's most unfriendly nurse. I had to lie down for what felt like an eternity while they monitored my contractions, checked my cervix and listened to the baby's heartbeat. After an hour of torture they told me that I'd have to go to the waiting lounge and ride it out. Apparently I was indeed contracting every 4 minutes but I was not dilated at all. That's right. ZERO cm. ZERO. I pleaded for them to let me go home since we lived 5 minutes away from the hospital but they insisted I stay because of the frequency and duration of my contractions.

I was to report back at 5am to the triage front desk. It might have been the longest 3 hours of my life. I paced the empty hall while my husband napped in the lounge. At various times, I attempted to take a nap.
Now I don't want to sound like one of those arrogant people who know everything after doing it once. But seriously. There is no F*&@ing way you can "nap" while in labour. It's just not going to happen sister.

Fast forward to 5am and I had "made progress" according to the old battleaxe of a nurse. I was 1cm. OMG. Princess Bean is never going to come out! I was not keen on getting any painkillers at this point but after she  informed me this could go one for another day or 2 (what a cruel thing to say), I readily accepted a shot of nubain in my bum. It basically just made me groggy enough to take a catnap. I still felt the contractions but they were not as painful. She told me to come back when my contractions were 2 minutes apart and lasting 60 seconds each. Once again, remembering my notes from pre-natal class, I was certain this was called transitional labour (AKA the 30 minutes before you push). I cried at this point. There was just no way I could sustain this amount of pain for another day or 2. Was she insane?

In any case, I was happy to be at home again waiting for the contractions to increase in intensity. At around 11am, it happened. They started coming fast and furious. A rather interesting fact about this precise time is that our electricians were in that day working on the kitchen when they urgently needed my husband to run to Home Depot and pick up a light fixture. This entire hour is really a blur to me but I do remember him coming home and asking me if I had been writing the exact time on my little sheet of paper. I am pretty sure I had some choice words for him at that moment. I can laugh at it now and will probably recount this story to Charlotte when she is older. Yes Charlotte that's right. Your daddy went to Home Depot while I was in full on labour.

We arrived at the hospital by 1pm and by 3:30 pm I was  at 6 cm and the epidural was in.  While I knew I wanted an epidural,  I wanted to hold off for a while in order for my labour to progress. After 17 hours I was completely exhausted and happy to be able to relax.

The rest of my labour was a piece of cake, relatively speaking. I was fully dilated by  6:45pm but had to hold off on pushing because her head had not dropped low enough. They allow you to remain at 10 cm for a maximum of  2 hours before pushing. At the end of my 2 hours, her head had still not dropped and the nurse informed me that we were going to have to push anyway. It might just take a bit longer.

She smiled and said " Ok dear. I am going to go finish my cup of tea and when I get back, we're going to have that baby".

Just like that. The culmination of my infertility and IVF treatment and pregnancy all come down to her finishing her cup of tea.




As I pushed, my mother and husband both watched (there really is no modesty ..everything is just out there on display and you don't give a damn by this point). I could see their faces light up exclaiming in unison "There she is!"

Yes there she was. Only 4 contractions later. A grand total of 11 minutes.

How time flies

It's cliche but true. The time goes by too quickly. My sweet Charlotte will be 7 weeks old tomorrow and I have so many things I want to share. I promised myself I would write about my labour as well as breastfeeding ups and downs and also share some stories from month 1.

Here is my personal short list of "Ways it has finally sunk in that I am a new mom"

1. After getting a roundful of projectile vomit on my face, in my hair and down my chest, I decided that I'd rather sleep than shower. Yup, a quick wipe would have to do.
2. Norms change. An "amazing night" is one in which I slept for 3 straight hours in a row!
3. It's true what they say. Moms discuss poop. Green poop, frothy poop, the number of poops. Who knew there was so much to say on one subject.
4. Although It takes me a couple of hours to plan my afternoon outing (shower time, feeding, diaper bag packed), I can be out the door in under 15 seconds once she is in her car seat. For some reason babies feel the need to scream blue murder when strapped in only to then fall asleep within 2 minutes of driving. Was the meltdown really that necessary?
5. When she smiled at me for the first time, I thought my heart was going to burst. It was like magic.

To my beautiful daughter Charlotte

I can hardly believe that it has been 2 and half weeks since you were born. I have been meaning to post. Honestly I have. Perhaps it has taken this long because you have kept me quite busy these 17 days but mostly I think it's because I didn't even know how to begin this letter to you. I'm still not quite sure that I do.

What I do know is that I fell in love with you the second I saw you. It's true that many books I read repeatedly told me that it was ok to not fall immediately in love with your newborn. It may take days to develop a bond they said, perhaps even weeks. This was simply not the case for us. When the doctors placed you on my chest, I started to cry. Even with your red puffy vernix coated face, you were the most beautiful person I have ever seen.

In the past 2 weeks, you have been such a wonderful baby. You hardly cry except when you are cold or very upset. You are a good eater and even at 2 days old you showed me your little independant streak by wanting to latch on all by yourself without mommy's help. I have to hold your little hands back at most feedings and remind you that you are only 2 weeks old.

You love to be swaddled in your blanket but soon enough you will squirm until your left arms is free and then you fall asleep with one arm raised above your head.

You make the funniest noises that keep daddy and I entertained for hours. Grunts and groans and snorts and sighs. Never one to complain on maximum volume, you let us know that you need something without the screams.

You love music and especially when we sing to you. You must be a sweetheart as you even enjoy mommy's off key lullabies.

These are the small things I know about you Charlotte. The day to day little person that you are.

The day after you were born, I was in the bathroom at the hospital and your daddy was holding you in my room. I came out to see him looking at you with tears streaming down his face. I asked what was wrong and he quietly whimpered, "She's perfect. I can't believe that she is ours."

Some days I can hardly believe it either. I cannot believe how lucky I am to be your mom. All of the months spent crying and hoping and wishing are a distant memory now that you are here.

In the past 2 weeks we have had floods of visitors-your family and mommy and daddy's friends who are all eager to meet you. Everyone who holds you tells us how beautiful you are. You have so many people who love you.

The nicest comment I have received to date is from your Nanny. She told me that every day since you were born she wakes up with a smile on her face because she immediately thinks of you. Her whole life is so much better because you are in the world now.

My beautiful Charlotte, I feel the exact same way.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

False Alarm

I was woken up to a gush of fluid at 3:30am this morning thinking 1 of 2 things.

1. My water just broke
2. I just peed myself.

Hoping it was not the latter I got out of bed to examine my pajamas in the bathroom. It was clear and odorless but not a ton of liquid. After a few minutes of chatting with my husband, we decided to wait a few hours (easier said than done) and tried to get some rest. If labour was going to start within 12 hours, I figured I would take all the sleep I could get. I called the hospital at 8am and they told me to come in because they need to confirm whether I was in fact leaking amniotic fluid.

I arrived at around 9am and was hooked up to a fetal monitor. At this point, I was not having any contractions  so I knew it couldn't be the real deal but still needed to investigate the water breaking possibility.

After a few hours, the nurse informed me that she could not tell if I was leaking fluid and the doctor would have to perform a sterile speculum exam. She explained that it's like getting a pap test except due to the risk of infection, the speculum could not have any gel/lubricant and that it would hurt like hell.

She wasn't lying. It literally felt like the doctor was trying to rip out my cervix using metal claws. Of course being Thanksgiving Day, they were short staffed and I had to wait 2.5 hours  before they did this metal test from hell. I also had a resident doctor who was not a professional at this exam. As soon as he clamped down he explained that he had to take the speculum out and reposition. Are you f@&*&ing kidding me?!

All this to say- I was not leaking amniotic fluid. I am pretty certain that I didn't pee myself either so maybe it was just very watery cervical fluid. Ok I know that's not nice to think about but some things in pregnancy are just plain GROSS...like hemroids.. but more on that subject another day ;)

Meanwhile I was hooked up to the fetal monitor and could hear bean's little heatbeat thumping away for 3 hours. That was definitely awesome. Every so often it would get really loud like someone was hitting the top of a microphone. The nurse explained that was the baby bumping around in my belly.

I also was having Braxton Hicks every 2-5 minutes. Not a true contraction but interesting to see how often they are actually happening. The nurse even came in at one point to ask if I was feeling all these cramps. She was monitoring my "contractions" on her computer.

3.5 hours later we were sent home, dashing any hopes that we would meet princess bean on Thanksgiving Day.

So maybe our monday morning was a preview to the main event. We were not nervous in any way. In fact, I was amazed at how calm we both felt. I know now that we are truly ready (kitchen or no kitchen).

It's crazy to think back to the crap we were going through only a year ago. We hadn't even signed our IVF consent papers yet. What a difference a year makes.

So today, I am thankful for science. The science of IVF that gives a fighting chance to so many disheartened couples. Maybe it's not romantic but it sure is miraculous.