6D5DT after FET#1

      

So following our last failed IVF, we were lucky enough to get 3 frosties. Last Saturday, January 12th, we transferred the best of the 3 and I am once again PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). I'm at the point where in my 1st IVf cycle I had seen a + result on a HPT.4dp5dt AkA crazy town   I have once again joined the world of the crazies whereby I analyse every twitch, my one sore boob (yup only ONE), my contstant hunger and become a self -confessed  www.ivf.ca addict.   Should I Pee on a Stick? I want to but am terrified of this:  

  

on the other hand, I need to know if I have another chemical pregnancy because that will warrant more testing before we transfer our remaining embabies.  

Trying on Positivity

Well after re-reading my last post, I realise I sound like a grinch. The past year was not fun, but I know in the end it's worth all  the needles and heartache in the world because it gave me the best present yet,  my Charlotte.

2013

I seem to have left off here back in April . I think it`s because everything that came after my IUI trigger sucked. At a certain point I just got so fed up of TTC and the waiting to cycle, the cycling, the follow ups and the heartache that I blocked it from my brain for weeks on end.

So here are the cole`s notes of what went down in 2012

April-My hubby went to the clinic to provide his donation on the morning of the IUI and we headed out for breakfast while they washed his sperm. My tea hadn`t even arrived when we got the call informing us that there was not even enough sperm to wash and they recommended we cancel entirely. The only thing I could think of was the fact that i would ovulate 3 eggs later that morning and that there was no point of even `doing ìt` that night since anything we had been saving up was now in a sterile cup at the clinic. Nonetheless we did, and my period arrived a week early...just for fun and to mindF*&K me.

May-follow up appointment otherwise known as the WTF appointment. Dr. suggests IUI is probably not a good option for us and we should go back to IVF. Gee ya think? I had my doubts all along but allowed myself to get roped into the IUI decision. All I could think about was how annoyed I was to have messed up my spring and now we had planned a trip in july so we would not be able to proceed with IVF until the fall.

June-Upon recommendation from my Dr., my AMH (Anti-Müllerian hormone) tests came back at 14.8 indicating that i have decreased ovarian reserve. Another present I didn't ask for on this rollercoaster.

July-Banked sperm upon recommendation from our Dr. after fear instilled in us that we would not have enough sperm for ICSI. Day of freezing we got 27 straws and a count of 15 million/ml. That's $500 we will never get back.
Took a trip. Triedto forget about it all.

August-Day 1 called in. Back on the IVF/ICSI train.. We moved this month and our daughter started a new daycare. From the beginning  I felt a bit stressed about the timing of this all but September is quiet at work and a good time to cycle.

September-Stimming begins and due to increased meds we got12 eggs, 9 mature, 7 fertilized and on September 24th, we transfered a "perfect" 5AA (best grading the clinic gives blastocyst). On September 30th I had light spotting. I caved thinking it might be implantation and got a faint +on a HPT. The next morning my spotting turned red and I got a distinct + on a first response early response HPT. I went to the clinic in a panic thinking my progesterone was low.  It wasn't. My HCG was 70-high for being so early. "Congratulations" they told me, "you're pregnant".  I didn't  feel pregnant.  4 days later I was  bleeding, my beta dropped to 20.  I experienced an early miscarriage or what they like to call "a chemical pregnancy".

October-December-A good long break before proceeding with our FET.  The one saving grace from our failed IVF cycle was that we got 3 frozen embryos.

T is for trigger

So in spite of a few brief meltdowns over the weekend and wishing I had never signed up for IUI in the first place, we have quickly reached trigger day after 9 days on Puregon Stims. It's a good thing too because I am definitely feeling bloated. Last night I literally could feel my ovaries.

At my ultrasound yesterday there were 3 follicles still in the race with the smallest being at 14.5mm but likely to catch up in time for the IUI (on  Wednesday).

In the middle of all of this craziness, my husband and I are in the process of putting our house on the market because our new home is conditonal on the sale of the current one. So this weekend we spent every waking second getting our house ready to list this week.

It's an awful thing to think but I almost feel like this cycle is already a bust. We have had lowered counts and I am stressed beyond belief. There was a temptation to cancel the cycle but after buying approximately $1000 worth of fertility drugs I figured we may as well proceed.

Who knows maybe we will even find some luck amidst the chaos.

Boarding the crazy train for a 2nd time

I kind of can't believe how fast time goes and already we are back at the clinic trying for baby #2.
Since our last RE moved to Alberta we have been assigned a new doctor who ran a series of  ultrasounds , bloodwork and of course sperm tests to see if we are still *infertile*.

Of course we are! So I can discredit the theory that once we have a baby through IVf we will just fall pregnant. Uh no. But wouldn't that be nice?

So anyhow the tests came back and indicated that my FSH levels are elevated yet i have a normal antral follicle count. Basically FSH (or follicle stimulating hormone) indicates that my brain is having to tell my ovaries to work harder and produce eggs because they are not doing their best job. Nope -not putting in their best effort. My ovaries are lazy.

There is nothing they can do to treat this and they didn't seem overly concerned with the results but it does indicate that as I age, it may be more difficult to stimulate me though IVF drugs.

My TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) was also elevated which can creates all sorts of problems but now that has been easily regulated with a daily pill of Eltroxin. Me and my crazy BFF, Google, totally suspected I had an issue with my thyroid back in the fall. I suddenly developed excema when i have no history of it whatsoever and I'm talking needing to use medicated nasty coal tar shampoo daily just to get the itch under control. I had break outs on my back and just generally felt disgusting. I also had extremely heavy and prolonged  periods. Ever since starting on the thyroid drugs I have had no issues.

As for my husband, his sperm counts improved slightly to 14mill/ml and we were now in IUI (intrauterine insemination) territory AKA cost savings for us!

 

A second test would be required to confirm this awesomeness and much to our disappointment and frustration, the second count came back at 7mill/ml.

at this point, the doctor gave us a 10% chance of conceiving with Super Ovulation and IUI. This probability is lower than the clinic average but still higher than trying on our own.

We decided to give it a shot and if we feel that this is not a giood option for us then we will switch to IVF again. At the moment it's actually Day 2 of my cycle and I start the good old puregon injections tomorrow.

Everything feels different this time around though. I feel like because it has worked for us once, we can make it work again. Because we have Charlotte, I still make time to obsess online but not time to make it the focus of my life. Because we have a child now, I realise how lucky I already am compared to so many and that in the end, if it's just the 3 of us  I will be ok.

One

Dear Charlotte,

Today you are one.  One entire year old. How can 365 days have passed since I held you for the first time? In some ways I feel like this moment was just yesterday and in some ways I feel as though I have known you and loved you my entire life.

I haven't been writing here in some time mainly because I have been having so much fun with you this past summer.

Here we are one year later, no longer a baby by the tradtional definition, but a toddler.
A one year old who loves to clap her hands and who squeals in delight while exclaiming "Doggy" upon seeing our 4 legged friend Molly. A one year old who eats vegetables and knows the actions to songs and can cruise around a coffee table faster than I can snap my fingers. A one year old who loves to climb (everything!), who always shares her toys and loves to be read to. A one year old who makes my eyes swell with tears whenever I think about how much I love you.

We have both grown so much over the last year and come through good times (too many to count) and bad (remember those 5-7pm cry fests last december ;) 
Part of learning is making mistakes and I am sure that I made many in my first year of being your mommy. I have no regrets though because we figured things out along the way...together.

Some of my friends are having their first babies soon and perhaps so are some people who are reading this. Many people give advice to first time moms and I too received my fair share. As it turns out, the best advice i got was from a random stranger at the grocery store. You know the kind moms...they peer into your baby's car seat as she JUST feel asleep after cruising the produce aisle 30 times and then speaks in a loud voice to tell you how cute your baby is!

She told me to take many pictures..."you know real ones because it goes so fast and you will forget".

At first I didn't know what she meant by "real" pictures but I thought about how quick I am to use my cell phone and take a somewhat blurred picture because it is so convenient. From that moment on, I started to use our good camera more often. Taking it to the park, on playdates or when sitting around the house.

I couldn't imagine that I would forget all of our moments together but sadly it's true. The days turn into weeks and months and then all of a sudden a year.

So my beautiful Charlotte  I have perhaps a couple thousand photos of our first year together. I wish we could stop time some days and just keep you little for a while longer but you have so much more growing and learning to do. Who am I to stop you? And definitions aside..you will always be my baby. Happy 1st Birthday my love.

Musical Memories

Don't you love how a song can instantly transport you to a time and place in your past?

My Ipod shuffled to City and Colour the other day and it brought me back to October. For whatever reason, my husband and I would often play this album as nice quiet music when guests came over.

Watching the leaves fall from the trees, sipping coffee and staring at our brand new baby girl.
City and Colour

The Joys and Challenges of Breastfeeding

The nurses at the hospital kept telling me that I was textbook at breastfeeding.She latches on perfectly they said. You have no troubles here.They were right. I was SO textbook...at first.

I soon found out that I was dealing with an oversupply of milk and a monster let down. To my friends who were supplementing with formula and could not seem to get their milk supply up, my problem seemed like a blessing.

It really is true that you can have too much a good thing though.  My breasts constantly leaked milk and a slight squeeze would send milk spraying in all directions.  Charlotte could not keep up. She began gagging, choking, pulling on and off the breast and spitting up all the time.

A few weeks later, I found myself alone for the first night while my husband was away. She was doing her regular screaming at the boob, pulling off and on to get the flow adjusted when suddenly her eyes glassed over and she vomited what seemed like a pint of milk across the room. I was trembling. Sure she was constantly spitting up but this was something I had never experienced. The projectile vomit. I tried to calmly wipe her face, change her clothes, clean the floor, clean myself and then in between sobs called my mother in law to ask if she was sick. She assured me that babies sometimes just vomit.

I remember crying so much that night. The baby books certainly didn't help. One glance at projectile vomiting and the words  Pyloric Stenosis appear-a disorder in which the muscle in the lower part of the stomach, called the pylorus, builds up and blocks the flow of food into the small intestine requiring surgery.

I would soon find out that Charlotte was a puker. Not a happy spit up baby but full on projectile vomiting every 2-3 days. I started block feeding which is when you feed only from one breast per feed in order to slow down my milk production. I also started feeding her lying down so she had to work against gravity.

She eventually slowed down (to be exact her last puke was 2 weeks ago. Just watch I am jinxing myself and she will vomit tomorrow!). There really is no climax to this story but just to say that it is so easy to become overwhelmed and worried as a first time mom. I never regret a single time I do become overly concerned though. It is a mother's job to worry!


Breastfeeding has been incredibly rewarding for me but very demanding too. Charlotte refuses to take a bottle of expressed milk. The books and nurses will have you worried silly about the dreaded nipple confusion. They warned me that if I gave my baby a bottle she will not know how to suck from my breast again ! The challenge with waiting too long is that you end up in my situation with a baby who flat out refuses anything but boob.

I often feel conflicted about this problem. People tell me constantly that I need to get her on a bottle otherwise I will resent her for never having any freedom. Part of me understand this. I would love to have a night out with my husband or even go out with the girls and have someone else give her a bottle of milk.

On the other hand, there are moments where I just accept that it is what it is. It is my own fault for not getting her to accustomed to a bottle early on. More importantly, she is only going to be this little for such a short period in my life.

 In 20 years from now will I look back and think to myself that these 6 months were hell? That I wish  I could have had time out with my friends?

Or will I look back with fondness on those quiet winter nights where my little munchkin was snuggled against me in bed?

They call it labour for a reason

Labour \ˈlā-bər\ :  expenditure of physical or mental effort especially when difficult or compulsory

My labour started on the night of Tuesday October 12th. Maybe it was Monday's  metal claw from hell procedure that sent me over the edge. I guess I'll never know. Personally I think babies come out when they are ready.

Since we still did not have a full kitchen in place, my husband and I decided to go out for dinner. We opted to go to St. Hubert and then to costco for some supplies. Had I known this would be my last night out alone with him for some time, I might have reconsidered the evening's choices of chicken, coleslaw and bulk sized toilet paper shopping.

I was having light cramps at dinner which is why we decided to go to Costco in the first place. We thought the walking might do me some good in the event that this was the early stages of labour. While at costco, I started to notice that my cramps were coming with some frequency (approximately every 15 minutes or so). I didn't mention this to my husband yet as it seemed too premature and they were still cramps at this point. When we returned home we watched one of our favourite shows that we had taped and the cramps were increasing in intensity and coming every 10 minutes.

As we headed upstairs to bed, my husband brought our laptop loaded with another television show but at this point the pain was too great to concentrate on anything..nevermind a crappy episode of Grey's Anatomy.  Holy shit. Here we go.

Remembering my  tips and tricks from pre-natal class, I hopped in the bathtub hoping to soothe some of the discomfort from the contractions. It was at this point that I noticed some light blood in the tub..aka known as the "bloody show" (seriously what a stupid name). I was most definitely in labour. I would call out to my husband every time a contraction started and ended so he could start recording. After only 30 minutes we noticed a definite pattern. 30 seconds each and 4 minutes apart. I was certain princess bean would be here by morning.

At 2 in the morning we made the trek to the hospital. Nervous. Excited. Overtired. It was at this point that I met the world's most unfriendly nurse. I had to lie down for what felt like an eternity while they monitored my contractions, checked my cervix and listened to the baby's heartbeat. After an hour of torture they told me that I'd have to go to the waiting lounge and ride it out. Apparently I was indeed contracting every 4 minutes but I was not dilated at all. That's right. ZERO cm. ZERO. I pleaded for them to let me go home since we lived 5 minutes away from the hospital but they insisted I stay because of the frequency and duration of my contractions.

I was to report back at 5am to the triage front desk. It might have been the longest 3 hours of my life. I paced the empty hall while my husband napped in the lounge. At various times, I attempted to take a nap.
Now I don't want to sound like one of those arrogant people who know everything after doing it once. But seriously. There is no F*&@ing way you can "nap" while in labour. It's just not going to happen sister.

Fast forward to 5am and I had "made progress" according to the old battleaxe of a nurse. I was 1cm. OMG. Princess Bean is never going to come out! I was not keen on getting any painkillers at this point but after she  informed me this could go one for another day or 2 (what a cruel thing to say), I readily accepted a shot of nubain in my bum. It basically just made me groggy enough to take a catnap. I still felt the contractions but they were not as painful. She told me to come back when my contractions were 2 minutes apart and lasting 60 seconds each. Once again, remembering my notes from pre-natal class, I was certain this was called transitional labour (AKA the 30 minutes before you push). I cried at this point. There was just no way I could sustain this amount of pain for another day or 2. Was she insane?

In any case, I was happy to be at home again waiting for the contractions to increase in intensity. At around 11am, it happened. They started coming fast and furious. A rather interesting fact about this precise time is that our electricians were in that day working on the kitchen when they urgently needed my husband to run to Home Depot and pick up a light fixture. This entire hour is really a blur to me but I do remember him coming home and asking me if I had been writing the exact time on my little sheet of paper. I am pretty sure I had some choice words for him at that moment. I can laugh at it now and will probably recount this story to Charlotte when she is older. Yes Charlotte that's right. Your daddy went to Home Depot while I was in full on labour.

We arrived at the hospital by 1pm and by 3:30 pm I was  at 6 cm and the epidural was in.  While I knew I wanted an epidural,  I wanted to hold off for a while in order for my labour to progress. After 17 hours I was completely exhausted and happy to be able to relax.

The rest of my labour was a piece of cake, relatively speaking. I was fully dilated by  6:45pm but had to hold off on pushing because her head had not dropped low enough. They allow you to remain at 10 cm for a maximum of  2 hours before pushing. At the end of my 2 hours, her head had still not dropped and the nurse informed me that we were going to have to push anyway. It might just take a bit longer.

She smiled and said " Ok dear. I am going to go finish my cup of tea and when I get back, we're going to have that baby".

Just like that. The culmination of my infertility and IVF treatment and pregnancy all come down to her finishing her cup of tea.




As I pushed, my mother and husband both watched (there really is no modesty ..everything is just out there on display and you don't give a damn by this point). I could see their faces light up exclaiming in unison "There she is!"

Yes there she was. Only 4 contractions later. A grand total of 11 minutes.

How time flies

It's cliche but true. The time goes by too quickly. My sweet Charlotte will be 7 weeks old tomorrow and I have so many things I want to share. I promised myself I would write about my labour as well as breastfeeding ups and downs and also share some stories from month 1.

Here is my personal short list of "Ways it has finally sunk in that I am a new mom"

1. After getting a roundful of projectile vomit on my face, in my hair and down my chest, I decided that I'd rather sleep than shower. Yup, a quick wipe would have to do.
2. Norms change. An "amazing night" is one in which I slept for 3 straight hours in a row!
3. It's true what they say. Moms discuss poop. Green poop, frothy poop, the number of poops. Who knew there was so much to say on one subject.
4. Although It takes me a couple of hours to plan my afternoon outing (shower time, feeding, diaper bag packed), I can be out the door in under 15 seconds once she is in her car seat. For some reason babies feel the need to scream blue murder when strapped in only to then fall asleep within 2 minutes of driving. Was the meltdown really that necessary?
5. When she smiled at me for the first time, I thought my heart was going to burst. It was like magic.

To my beautiful daughter Charlotte

I can hardly believe that it has been 2 and half weeks since you were born. I have been meaning to post. Honestly I have. Perhaps it has taken this long because you have kept me quite busy these 17 days but mostly I think it's because I didn't even know how to begin this letter to you. I'm still not quite sure that I do.

What I do know is that I fell in love with you the second I saw you. It's true that many books I read repeatedly told me that it was ok to not fall immediately in love with your newborn. It may take days to develop a bond they said, perhaps even weeks. This was simply not the case for us. When the doctors placed you on my chest, I started to cry. Even with your red puffy vernix coated face, you were the most beautiful person I have ever seen.

In the past 2 weeks, you have been such a wonderful baby. You hardly cry except when you are cold or very upset. You are a good eater and even at 2 days old you showed me your little independant streak by wanting to latch on all by yourself without mommy's help. I have to hold your little hands back at most feedings and remind you that you are only 2 weeks old.

You love to be swaddled in your blanket but soon enough you will squirm until your left arms is free and then you fall asleep with one arm raised above your head.

You make the funniest noises that keep daddy and I entertained for hours. Grunts and groans and snorts and sighs. Never one to complain on maximum volume, you let us know that you need something without the screams.

You love music and especially when we sing to you. You must be a sweetheart as you even enjoy mommy's off key lullabies.

These are the small things I know about you Charlotte. The day to day little person that you are.

The day after you were born, I was in the bathroom at the hospital and your daddy was holding you in my room. I came out to see him looking at you with tears streaming down his face. I asked what was wrong and he quietly whimpered, "She's perfect. I can't believe that she is ours."

Some days I can hardly believe it either. I cannot believe how lucky I am to be your mom. All of the months spent crying and hoping and wishing are a distant memory now that you are here.

In the past 2 weeks we have had floods of visitors-your family and mommy and daddy's friends who are all eager to meet you. Everyone who holds you tells us how beautiful you are. You have so many people who love you.

The nicest comment I have received to date is from your Nanny. She told me that every day since you were born she wakes up with a smile on her face because she immediately thinks of you. Her whole life is so much better because you are in the world now.

My beautiful Charlotte, I feel the exact same way.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

False Alarm

I was woken up to a gush of fluid at 3:30am this morning thinking 1 of 2 things.

1. My water just broke
2. I just peed myself.

Hoping it was not the latter I got out of bed to examine my pajamas in the bathroom. It was clear and odorless but not a ton of liquid. After a few minutes of chatting with my husband, we decided to wait a few hours (easier said than done) and tried to get some rest. If labour was going to start within 12 hours, I figured I would take all the sleep I could get. I called the hospital at 8am and they told me to come in because they need to confirm whether I was in fact leaking amniotic fluid.

I arrived at around 9am and was hooked up to a fetal monitor. At this point, I was not having any contractions  so I knew it couldn't be the real deal but still needed to investigate the water breaking possibility.

After a few hours, the nurse informed me that she could not tell if I was leaking fluid and the doctor would have to perform a sterile speculum exam. She explained that it's like getting a pap test except due to the risk of infection, the speculum could not have any gel/lubricant and that it would hurt like hell.

She wasn't lying. It literally felt like the doctor was trying to rip out my cervix using metal claws. Of course being Thanksgiving Day, they were short staffed and I had to wait 2.5 hours  before they did this metal test from hell. I also had a resident doctor who was not a professional at this exam. As soon as he clamped down he explained that he had to take the speculum out and reposition. Are you f@&*&ing kidding me?!

All this to say- I was not leaking amniotic fluid. I am pretty certain that I didn't pee myself either so maybe it was just very watery cervical fluid. Ok I know that's not nice to think about but some things in pregnancy are just plain GROSS...like hemroids.. but more on that subject another day ;)

Meanwhile I was hooked up to the fetal monitor and could hear bean's little heatbeat thumping away for 3 hours. That was definitely awesome. Every so often it would get really loud like someone was hitting the top of a microphone. The nurse explained that was the baby bumping around in my belly.

I also was having Braxton Hicks every 2-5 minutes. Not a true contraction but interesting to see how often they are actually happening. The nurse even came in at one point to ask if I was feeling all these cramps. She was monitoring my "contractions" on her computer.

3.5 hours later we were sent home, dashing any hopes that we would meet princess bean on Thanksgiving Day.

So maybe our monday morning was a preview to the main event. We were not nervous in any way. In fact, I was amazed at how calm we both felt. I know now that we are truly ready (kitchen or no kitchen).

It's crazy to think back to the crap we were going through only a year ago. We hadn't even signed our IVF consent papers yet. What a difference a year makes.

So today, I am thankful for science. The science of IVF that gives a fighting chance to so many disheartened couples. Maybe it's not romantic but it sure is miraculous.

Reno Hell

So back in the spring, my husband and I decided we were going to renovate our kitchen. When looking for contractors, we clearly specified that the room MUST be done by the end of September. A couple of people said the timing was too tight or seemed flaky with their answers. This was one of the utmost important criteria in picking a company so we went with someone who guaranteed our work would be done on time. I repeat the word -GUARANTEED.

Well it is now 2 weeks from my due date and our kitchen is not done. Our contractor has been fabulous but the delay comes from our cabinet maker. First there was a 2 week delay and now another week.

I am officially Pregzilla.


On a bright note, things are clearly  progressing (no thanks to our cabinet maker). This is what our kitchen looked like 2.5 weeks ago during demolition

and this is what our kitchen looks like now

People like to assure me that  I won't be cooking during the first few days/weeks of the baby coming home. Ok I'll buy that but I am certain that most people can make a cup of coffee in their kitchen or perhaps even wash their hands in the sink. You see that black pipe in the lower right hand corner of the picture. Uh ya. That's where my sink is NOT.

The other thing that most people forget is that we used to have a kitchen. I have kitchen things. And where are all these kitchen things being stored you might ask? In every crevice of my house! The entire basement carpet has not seen the light of day because it is covered in boxes. The dining room table is in the living room, the new appliances are stacked in the dining room. Basically our house is one giant mess. This does not bode well with my newly acquired nesting instinct (it's not an old wives tale). I want to clean all day, every day.

So my days are spent doing things I can still do, like running errands and doing laundry. I am trying to stay sane by keeping the upstairs portion of our house clean.

At some point during the day I inevitably think about how lucky I am to be having a baby so soon. In fact, just the other day I was driving and Shawn Desman's "a night like this" came on the radio and I had tears in my eyes thinking about how miraculous my daughter's birth is going to be. Yup. Shawn freakin Desman (AKA one hit one wonder Rockin in the T-dot) made me cry. Clearly my hormones are completely screwed up.

The next hour I was swearing like a trooper as we received another vague, non-committal email from our cabinet maker.

So that sums me up these days. I do laundry, get sentimental about Princess Bean's impending birth and bitch about my cabinet maker.

I am 38 weeks today and the race is on. Will baby or new kitchen arrive first?

Stay tuned to find out.

Hasn’t hit me yet (nothing to do with Blue Rodeo’s song but who doesn’t like to dream about Jim Cuddy’s sexy voice from time to time)

Tomorrow is my last day of work before maternity leave starts. Well technically before my sick leave starts and then maternity leave but I’m not getting wrapped up in details. Tomorrow is my last day of work-FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR!


Ok. So it’s not like I have been working for 40 years and am taking my retirement tomorrow. Still, it feels friggin amazing. I have been working full time for over 6 years now and prior to that, I was working part time and/or in school for pretty much my entire life.

I am by no means disillusioned though. I realise that I am essentially trading in one job for a completely different one. For one entire year, my sole job will be to take care of princess bean. Some people say that being a mom is the hardest job in the world. I guess I will soon find out. For years we study, take tests and pass interviews to advance ourselves in the corporate world and yet here I am, about to start the hardest job in the world and there is not a single test required. Nobody has taken even a glance at my C.V nor called any of my references. There is no training before the start of this new employment. I guess it's sink or swim.

So ready or not, my last day of work (as I know it) is tomorrow. At this point, I don’t want to hear from the naysayers. I only want to hear the good things about my new job. I understand that with any job, there are tough moments. There are moments where you think you are not right for this job and want to quit, moments where you want to pull your hair out and heck, even moments where you do pull your hair out.

Right now though, I am in that bubble like state of a person who just landed a promotion. In a couple of months, watching the snow fall on a cold December night (sing it Jim!), as I cuddle my baby girl by the fireplace, I will not miss the daily grind of my former job. This new job of mine sounds pretty sweet.

She's HOW big?

So last week a friend of mine delivered her baby at 35.5 weeks. She had a very rare condition known as vasa previa in which some of the umbilical cord vessels are unsupported and lie at the base of the birth canal. Essentially, there is a very high infant mortaltity rate if this condition goes unidentified until labour. If a woman goes into labour with this condition, these blood vessels with rupture, causing the baby to lose blood extremely quickly. Thankfully, she was diagnosed early enough and her beautiful girl arrived safe and sound via C-section....just a little bit earlier than planned.

When my husband and I went to visit  them at the hospital ,we of course took the opportunity to hold the baby. My husband remarked how tiny her features were (probably because most babies in his family are 10 pounders but that's another story!). He was also looking back and forth between my belly and our friend's baby. As it is, I am now 35.5 weeks along and my little bean is the same size if not a bit bigger than the baby. It was a cute moment. He could actually visualise just how big princess bean is.

A real live baby...truly a much better indication than what some websites provide as an example. Apparently at 35 weeks our daughter is as heavy as a honeydew melon..approx. 5.25 lbs and 18 inches in length.

By next week she will be the size of a Crenshaw Melon

Whatever the hell that is!...

The E word

Lately, I’ve been getting asked about how I envision my labour to go. I talk about labour in our pre-natal class and of course among my many friends who are also expecting. The truth is, everyone’s labour experience is so different. It seems that no matter how much you plan, you can never be truly prepared. Perhaps the motto should be-Be prepared for the unexpected! Most people ask if I am planning to have an epidural. I feel like this is a trick question at times. Like no matter what answer I give, I risk being judged. If I say no, then I’m labelled as some crazy hippie lady who has clearly never been through labour and is trying to prove something. If I say yes (GIVE ME THE DRUGS!!!) then I am labelled as someone who is not tough and is going to willingly prolong my labour and not have a ''natural'' birth.


In fact, this subject comes up in nearly every single pre-natal class in spite of the fact that we are already on class 5 discussing post-partum and breastfeeding. The one thing that amuses me (read: I want to smack the smug look of their faces) is that it’s mainly the MEN who are opposed to medicated births. There are 7 couples in the class (including me and my husband and a couple who are very good friends of ours). Of the 7 men, there are 3 of them who adamantly shake their head from side to side whenever we talk about the big bad word EPIDURAL. When our instructor told us that our hospital has an 85% epidural rate, they stared in disgust stating things like:

'' How is that safe? Getting an epidural seems like overkill!’’

'' Why would you risk your health? Can’t you become paralysed?’’

''It’s not natural.’’

It’s not to say that men cannot have opinions on the subject but I find it inappropriate for them to judge women in the class who want to get as much information as possible on their labour options. Using medication during birth is a personal choice. Women have different coping mechanisms and certainly different pain thresholds.

So my answer is this. I plan on using many coping skills I have learned until the pain becomes too great. At that point, I am quite open to an epidural if it will give my body and mind a chance to rest in preparation for pushing and the after birth.

So to buddy with the bad comb-over in my Wednesday night class-I resent the fact that you tell us women that having an epidural is not natural. I respect the fact that you want an un-medicated birth so please respect others. Heaven forbid your wife should realise she’s in excruciating pain and ask for some drugs. Will you flash her an arrogant smirk saying ‘’NO. That is not natural’’?

I guess I didn't realise that you are in charge of her body.

Time Machine

I used to always say things like ''I can’t wait until next month. I wish we could just skip through September’’. It would drive my mother nuts. She’d tell me that I should appreciate the moment and to stop wishing my life away. She made an excellent point of course but there are times in your life when you are sitting at work, completely unmotivated (yes like right now) wishing it was Friday at 5pm.


I am currently 34 weeks and 2 days into my pregnancy and anxiously counting down the days (40 to go) until our little princess bean is due. That being said, she may choose to come early or even a few days late. P bean-if you are listening..please don’t try to come late ok? Early is fine but not too early since daddy and I are renovating the kitchen. I’ll keep you posted.

People love to tell a pregnant lady to relax and that the baby will come when she/he is good and ready. I am by no means wishing for a preemie baby but let me just say that with 5 ½ weeks left to go, I feel ready. It’s not so much that I am completely fed up of being pregnant but rather that I cannot wait to meet my daughter. That being said, pregnancy does drag on. I feel more exhausted by the day and sometimes wish for a forklift to flip me from side to side in bed.

Whenever you are eagerly awaiting something, the days tend to drag on. I guess that’s the way life is. So on occasion, I give myself a boost and enter the time machine A.K.A. the dollar store. The dollar store is a great place to shop if you too find yourself wishing away September or heck, even an entire season. In July, there were harvest decorations out. By August, cheap plastic Halloween masks and battery operated spooky sound machines filled the shelves. While I haven’t been to the dollar store in the last few weeks, I have noticed Christmas paraphernalia popping up at craft stores. These aisles of cheaply mass manufactured crap bring a little smile to my face, reminding me of just how close I really am and just how far we’ve come.

It’s hard to believe that I am now 27.5 weeks along. My belly has been expanding at an alarming rate. No seriously. My doctor told me I gained 8 lbs in the last 4 weeks. Talk about an OMG moment on the scale. She then politely joked that the scale might be wrong. HA! Nice attempt to question my guilt about eating all those desserts while on vacation.


At the end of the day, I am healthy and so is the baby and that’s all that matters.

I have actually really been enjoying pregnancy so far. There are always a few uncomfortable moments but overall I must be lucky because I feel pretty good. Over the past few weeks/months I have definitely learned some things I did not know about being pregnant and some which I suspected but have come as a nice surprise anyways.

1. People LOVE to help a pregnant lady.

This is a fact I am slowly getting used to. Strangers hold doors often; colleagues carry things for you; people on the street smile at the belly. Just the other month, we had a small but significant earthquake in the area. I think 10 people must have asked me how I was feeling. Is the baby ok? Do you need to sit down? Can I get you some water? I don’t like feeling dependent on the kindness of strangers or even friends but some days I think ‘’Meh the hell with this. You’re right. I am growing a human in my belly so sure...you can lift my 7 lb grocery bag since you insist.’’

2. People bring you food.

This could be grouped in with number one but I think it deserves special mention. After all, this is probably why my scale tells me I have been gaining 2 lbs per week! People also love to use the line that I am eating for 2. Well technically I’m not but it depends on what you’re offering. White chocolate cheesecake with raspberry syrup? Did I tell you I am having triplets? Better make that a thick slice please.

3. Darkening of the areolas.

Back when we were just trying, I read this as a symptom of pregnancy. I am sure there are countless women out there (myself included) who stared at their breasts in the bathroom mirror after showering wondering if their period might come late because suddenly their nipples got darker. Let me just say that when this happens, the symptom is not so subtle. It makes sense physiologically-baby needs to have a visual target of its food source. In that case, perhaps my little bean is going to be visually impaired.

4. Pregnancy slows you down considerably.

I was by no means super fit before getting pregnant but I went to the gym, ate sensibly and was well within my normal BMI. Just the other day after going for an hour long walk on vacation, I felt exhausted. My lower back ached and I needed to sit down. It’s incredible to think of all the changes taking place inside my body. I think my stomach is somewhere jacked up against my ribs by this point. As much as I want to accomplish a million tasks my body is telling me to slow down.

5. Extra hair and other non-sexy things.

Maybe I had read about the darkening of the areolas but nobody ever mentioned any other skin discolorations. I am learning that women with darker or an olive skin tone like me may notice these changes more. Suddenly my armpits look like they have not been washed in a month. What’s up with that? How does the darkening of my armpits contribute to the health of my baby? The answer is that it serves no purpose other than to make me sweat off the summer in T-shirts instead of evil tanks tops.

Also, a few weeks ago, a pregnant friend of mine told me that her belly was getting covered in tiny dark hairs. She read that as the baby was growing hair, our bodies were overcompensating with the responsible hormone. GROSS. I was proud to say that MY belly was still void of dark hairs and the ever dreaded stretch marks. The only thing  my belly has to bare is the other lovely skin discoloration known as the linea nigra. No sooner than I was thanking my lucky stars, I noticed a ton of blonde peach fuzz growing on my jaw. My husband was actually the one to point out my ''new beard''. Thanks hun. Love you too!

Just in time for the world cup!

It is with great certainty that I felt (not just gas) princess bean kick today. Her movements since have been sporadic at best but usually at the end of the day when I lie down and press on my belly I can feel her. I have also felt what I think were baby hiccups. It is such an amazing feeling to feel our little girl move.

Sugar, Spice and Everything Nice

When we started the ultrasound I could clearly see that the baby had its legs crossed. The sonographer confirmed that indeed our baby was not going to give away any secrets at the moment. At our last ultrasound, our bean slept the entire time so on the advice of other moms, I ate chocolate at 8am in the hopes baby would do a happy dance from trace amounts of caffeine and sugar.


While waiting for the baby to uncross its legs, the sonographer examined in great detail the entire anatomy. She pointed out the 4 chambers of the heart, the spine, 10 tiny fingers, 10 little toes and the 2 hemispheres of the brain. She giggled when the baby moved its legs or flailed its arms saying our bean was very cute.

Perhaps there was a note in our file but while examining me, she stated that she too had undergone IVF several times with no success. My heart broke for her. This poor lady has a job that requires her to see beaming pregnant ladies all day long and stare at their precious babies on screen. We both offered our sympathies to her. As luck and life would have it though, she did have a miracle baby of her own...6 years after giving up fertility treatments. After sharing my ultrasound experience with friends who are expecting, I truly feel that I have had amazing technicians who took time to explain everything in great detail. Today was no exception and I sense that our technician knew just how anxious we were because she too, had been in our shoes.

As she approached the baby’s bottom she asked again if we wanted to know the sex of our baby.

YES! YES! YES!

I can tell you with confidence because the baby has shown me its gender several times during the examination.

My immediate reaction was that we were having a little boy. Surely the great gender reveal was a penis during her examination!

‘’It’s a beautiful baby girl’’, she exclaimed.

And just like that, we became the proud parents-to- be of a girl.

I know that I don’t have another experience to compare with but I don’t feel for 1 second that the magic of finding out the sex of our baby was any less significant than it would be at birth. I was in a dreamlike bubble the entire day. The following night we went out for dinner to celebrate our daughter otherwise lovingly known now as Princess Bean.