6D5DT after FET#1

      

So following our last failed IVF, we were lucky enough to get 3 frosties. Last Saturday, January 12th, we transferred the best of the 3 and I am once again PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). I'm at the point where in my 1st IVf cycle I had seen a + result on a HPT.4dp5dt AkA crazy town   I have once again joined the world of the crazies whereby I analyse every twitch, my one sore boob (yup only ONE), my contstant hunger and become a self -confessed  www.ivf.ca addict.   Should I Pee on a Stick? I want to but am terrified of this:  

  

on the other hand, I need to know if I have another chemical pregnancy because that will warrant more testing before we transfer our remaining embabies.  

Trying on Positivity

Well after re-reading my last post, I realise I sound like a grinch. The past year was not fun, but I know in the end it's worth all  the needles and heartache in the world because it gave me the best present yet,  my Charlotte.

2013

I seem to have left off here back in April . I think it`s because everything that came after my IUI trigger sucked. At a certain point I just got so fed up of TTC and the waiting to cycle, the cycling, the follow ups and the heartache that I blocked it from my brain for weeks on end.

So here are the cole`s notes of what went down in 2012

April-My hubby went to the clinic to provide his donation on the morning of the IUI and we headed out for breakfast while they washed his sperm. My tea hadn`t even arrived when we got the call informing us that there was not even enough sperm to wash and they recommended we cancel entirely. The only thing I could think of was the fact that i would ovulate 3 eggs later that morning and that there was no point of even `doing ìt` that night since anything we had been saving up was now in a sterile cup at the clinic. Nonetheless we did, and my period arrived a week early...just for fun and to mindF*&K me.

May-follow up appointment otherwise known as the WTF appointment. Dr. suggests IUI is probably not a good option for us and we should go back to IVF. Gee ya think? I had my doubts all along but allowed myself to get roped into the IUI decision. All I could think about was how annoyed I was to have messed up my spring and now we had planned a trip in july so we would not be able to proceed with IVF until the fall.

June-Upon recommendation from my Dr., my AMH (Anti-Müllerian hormone) tests came back at 14.8 indicating that i have decreased ovarian reserve. Another present I didn't ask for on this rollercoaster.

July-Banked sperm upon recommendation from our Dr. after fear instilled in us that we would not have enough sperm for ICSI. Day of freezing we got 27 straws and a count of 15 million/ml. That's $500 we will never get back.
Took a trip. Triedto forget about it all.

August-Day 1 called in. Back on the IVF/ICSI train.. We moved this month and our daughter started a new daycare. From the beginning  I felt a bit stressed about the timing of this all but September is quiet at work and a good time to cycle.

September-Stimming begins and due to increased meds we got12 eggs, 9 mature, 7 fertilized and on September 24th, we transfered a "perfect" 5AA (best grading the clinic gives blastocyst). On September 30th I had light spotting. I caved thinking it might be implantation and got a faint +on a HPT. The next morning my spotting turned red and I got a distinct + on a first response early response HPT. I went to the clinic in a panic thinking my progesterone was low.  It wasn't. My HCG was 70-high for being so early. "Congratulations" they told me, "you're pregnant".  I didn't  feel pregnant.  4 days later I was  bleeding, my beta dropped to 20.  I experienced an early miscarriage or what they like to call "a chemical pregnancy".

October-December-A good long break before proceeding with our FET.  The one saving grace from our failed IVF cycle was that we got 3 frozen embryos.

T is for trigger

So in spite of a few brief meltdowns over the weekend and wishing I had never signed up for IUI in the first place, we have quickly reached trigger day after 9 days on Puregon Stims. It's a good thing too because I am definitely feeling bloated. Last night I literally could feel my ovaries.

At my ultrasound yesterday there were 3 follicles still in the race with the smallest being at 14.5mm but likely to catch up in time for the IUI (on  Wednesday).

In the middle of all of this craziness, my husband and I are in the process of putting our house on the market because our new home is conditonal on the sale of the current one. So this weekend we spent every waking second getting our house ready to list this week.

It's an awful thing to think but I almost feel like this cycle is already a bust. We have had lowered counts and I am stressed beyond belief. There was a temptation to cancel the cycle but after buying approximately $1000 worth of fertility drugs I figured we may as well proceed.

Who knows maybe we will even find some luck amidst the chaos.

Boarding the crazy train for a 2nd time

I kind of can't believe how fast time goes and already we are back at the clinic trying for baby #2.
Since our last RE moved to Alberta we have been assigned a new doctor who ran a series of  ultrasounds , bloodwork and of course sperm tests to see if we are still *infertile*.

Of course we are! So I can discredit the theory that once we have a baby through IVf we will just fall pregnant. Uh no. But wouldn't that be nice?

So anyhow the tests came back and indicated that my FSH levels are elevated yet i have a normal antral follicle count. Basically FSH (or follicle stimulating hormone) indicates that my brain is having to tell my ovaries to work harder and produce eggs because they are not doing their best job. Nope -not putting in their best effort. My ovaries are lazy.

There is nothing they can do to treat this and they didn't seem overly concerned with the results but it does indicate that as I age, it may be more difficult to stimulate me though IVF drugs.

My TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) was also elevated which can creates all sorts of problems but now that has been easily regulated with a daily pill of Eltroxin. Me and my crazy BFF, Google, totally suspected I had an issue with my thyroid back in the fall. I suddenly developed excema when i have no history of it whatsoever and I'm talking needing to use medicated nasty coal tar shampoo daily just to get the itch under control. I had break outs on my back and just generally felt disgusting. I also had extremely heavy and prolonged  periods. Ever since starting on the thyroid drugs I have had no issues.

As for my husband, his sperm counts improved slightly to 14mill/ml and we were now in IUI (intrauterine insemination) territory AKA cost savings for us!

 

A second test would be required to confirm this awesomeness and much to our disappointment and frustration, the second count came back at 7mill/ml.

at this point, the doctor gave us a 10% chance of conceiving with Super Ovulation and IUI. This probability is lower than the clinic average but still higher than trying on our own.

We decided to give it a shot and if we feel that this is not a giood option for us then we will switch to IVF again. At the moment it's actually Day 2 of my cycle and I start the good old puregon injections tomorrow.

Everything feels different this time around though. I feel like because it has worked for us once, we can make it work again. Because we have Charlotte, I still make time to obsess online but not time to make it the focus of my life. Because we have a child now, I realise how lucky I already am compared to so many and that in the end, if it's just the 3 of us  I will be ok.

One

Dear Charlotte,

Today you are one.  One entire year old. How can 365 days have passed since I held you for the first time? In some ways I feel like this moment was just yesterday and in some ways I feel as though I have known you and loved you my entire life.

I haven't been writing here in some time mainly because I have been having so much fun with you this past summer.

Here we are one year later, no longer a baby by the tradtional definition, but a toddler.
A one year old who loves to clap her hands and who squeals in delight while exclaiming "Doggy" upon seeing our 4 legged friend Molly. A one year old who eats vegetables and knows the actions to songs and can cruise around a coffee table faster than I can snap my fingers. A one year old who loves to climb (everything!), who always shares her toys and loves to be read to. A one year old who makes my eyes swell with tears whenever I think about how much I love you.

We have both grown so much over the last year and come through good times (too many to count) and bad (remember those 5-7pm cry fests last december ;) 
Part of learning is making mistakes and I am sure that I made many in my first year of being your mommy. I have no regrets though because we figured things out along the way...together.

Some of my friends are having their first babies soon and perhaps so are some people who are reading this. Many people give advice to first time moms and I too received my fair share. As it turns out, the best advice i got was from a random stranger at the grocery store. You know the kind moms...they peer into your baby's car seat as she JUST feel asleep after cruising the produce aisle 30 times and then speaks in a loud voice to tell you how cute your baby is!

She told me to take many pictures..."you know real ones because it goes so fast and you will forget".

At first I didn't know what she meant by "real" pictures but I thought about how quick I am to use my cell phone and take a somewhat blurred picture because it is so convenient. From that moment on, I started to use our good camera more often. Taking it to the park, on playdates or when sitting around the house.

I couldn't imagine that I would forget all of our moments together but sadly it's true. The days turn into weeks and months and then all of a sudden a year.

So my beautiful Charlotte  I have perhaps a couple thousand photos of our first year together. I wish we could stop time some days and just keep you little for a while longer but you have so much more growing and learning to do. Who am I to stop you? And definitions aside..you will always be my baby. Happy 1st Birthday my love.

Musical Memories

Don't you love how a song can instantly transport you to a time and place in your past?

My Ipod shuffled to City and Colour the other day and it brought me back to October. For whatever reason, my husband and I would often play this album as nice quiet music when guests came over.

Watching the leaves fall from the trees, sipping coffee and staring at our brand new baby girl.
City and Colour